#7

I sat by the bedside, my head in my heads, my heart open, and my mouth speaking prayers of desperation. What can I do? I’d give anything to have the power to go back in time to change the past so that I’d have a future. But I’m left here, my heart laying next to me clinging to life. Images of our life flashed through my mind. Laughter, happiness, anger, sadness in one or another; love in all. The first time we met in the park, our first date at the café by the bookstore, our first fight, the moment I realized I was in love, the moment I realized I was loved, all of these memories playing like film in my head. I felt tears well up in my eyes, my chest started hurting and my head sunk deeper into my lap.

I felt myself falling deeper and deeper into the abyss. The only thing that roused me was the doctor touching my shoulder. I looked into her eyes and saw compassion. It was so easy for her to feel compassion, she wasn’t in my shoes, her heart wasn’t at stake. I stood up and followed her into the corner of the room. She apologized and shook her head. There was nothing she could do. There’s nothing anyone could do. The world around me stilled, I was stuck in a moment, a time in space that I couldn’t escape. I walked back to the bed, sat down and rested my head on the sheets, what if’s racing through my mind. What if I never got in the car? What if I didn’t drive? What if I appreciated what I had more? What if loved more?

Hours passed and nurses and doctors came in. The machine was unplugged, the beeping slowed down, and silence filled the room. Each one of them glanced at me, bowed their head as they walked out as if to resemble grief. I waited until they took the body out. Wrapped it in plastic and wheeled it to the frozen grave. I sat there and stared at the empty bed. The warmth that was once there now slowly leaving it. I got up and walked to the door. Touching the handle I turned back, a sigh escaping my breath, one last look. I turned off the lights, shut the door and left.